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Now feeling – shaky

July 10, 2008
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The countdown has begun, and despite what I might have said in the previous posts, I’m still uncertain about my school list. I have a vague idea of what I want to do post MBA, but the way I am articulating it in the essays suggests that I am absolutely clear about it. My list of schools is too long. It does not have a safety school. Most of them now look like stretch schools. There is tremendous activity on the personal front, it will keep me well occupied for the next few weeks. I am not sure how much time I will be able to take out, and to which schools I will finally apply. At times, the energy seems to be wavering. Whatever essays I have worked on give me the same rehashed feeling that has failed me before.The work is still fine, with the hope that I will quit it the day I get through. I see no future if I don’t. I know what I am looking for, but beginning to question why, instead of why not. To think that I can’t do it is unacceptable, and won’t do it is impossible. Despite all these thought processes, I want it very badly. Else I think I’ll fade away. Can’t admit that this race is not for me. Though I don’t feel I am cut out for the brashness. Being good should have its virtue. Am I treading the wrong path ?My essays are unreal. This is real, a part of me. At times like these when I am not too confident. And only human. This year will end it all, once and forever. Its been crazy, running all these years. I am not ready to give it up. Yet.

When will it finally come, and force me out of it.

How can I give up, something that could never be mine ?

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. July 11, 2008 1:32 am

    I read somewhere…. it was about either stanford or MIT-sloan. In the first class of MBA, the dean routinely asks how many people here are not sure about what they want to do post MBA…. and about 80% people raise their hands. Thats reality, remember, all these students have written outstanding essays that were convincing enough to pick them above a lot of really smart and motivated people…… thats how this game is played. You need to articulate well enough to be convincing, you need to sound serious enough to be taken seriously….. I think what they are looking for is your ability to make plans, your ability to tell a story, sell a story. It has to be plausible, but all schools know how many people end up doing what they wrote in their essays

    This may turn out to b the biggest decision of our lives, and getting jitters is what we all expect. It would be abnormal if you didn’t get jitters. Your list is doable, get a comfort school if you want, but you may very well be comfortable with the list you have, you have worked on it. Give the schools time to grow on you, work on generic essays in the meantime…. there’s still time, there’s still opportunity to explore further….. and when you get into your school, that will be the beginning of aother lifetime of exploration….. lets enjoy the process… before long we’ll be nostalgic about these days

  2. ahembeea permalink*
    July 11, 2008 7:11 am

    Thx starwalker for such encouraging words. I know I’m going to go through the process with all my might, but there will still be days like this which will force you to think twice.

  3. Kiran permalink
    July 11, 2008 3:50 pm

    dont worry.. at times you feel the whole world is conspiring against you.. but actually it happens the other way around .. like a huge thunderstorm precedes a ultra calm sea..

  4. ahembeea permalink*
    July 14, 2008 12:04 pm

    Kiran – thx. I need the ultra calm now, but will have to do with the thunderstorms for a while longer 🙂

  5. July 14, 2008 11:23 pm

    Amazing post, guess this is deja vu for many of the fellow applicants. This cycle of lows and highs will continue and I can see a high in your next post. Hang on…this is a journey of a lone wolf; lot more testing times to come. Hope this excerpt from one of my posts help –

    “Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t how hard you hit; it’s about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done. Now, if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain’t you. You’re better than that!” – Rocky Balboa

    ATB for the IIMs! I assume they need at least 5 yrs of work ex and so I am not even taking the pain to visit their website.

  6. ahembeea permalink*
    July 15, 2008 10:39 am

    Maverick – Remember, Rocky Balboa neither won nor lost at the end ;-), but thats surely inspirational.

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